In Your Hands
by Akay2901
Summary: Buffy's life gets turned upside down when her mother gets sick, yet at the same time gets touched by an Angel. AU
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: In Your Hands AUTHOR: Akay SPOILERS: AU SUMMARY: Buffy's life gets turned upside down when her mother gets sick, yet at the same time gets touched by an Angel. DISTRIBUTION: My Site or please ask. PAIRINGS: B/A J/G DISCLAIMER: Characters and just about everything else (minus the idea) is all Joss FEEDBACK: Would love some RATING: PG15 AN: This fic is loosely based on something I went through about six months ago. In order to do that I had to do something different for me and write Joyce as super mom. DEDICATION: To my mother cause I love her! Also to Sobad who was the only person that I could talk to (and also has such a HUGE heart) that had any idea of what I was going through at the time. Love you hun, thanks for being such a wonderful friend.

Chapter 1

The shrill of the phone pierced through the dead silence that was Buffy's apartment.

Pulling the comforter over her head she made no effort to emerge from her comfortable position, lying there, slowly returning to her pleasant dreams in her warm queen size bed.

It was a bright Saturday morning, her day off at that. Which meant no work, and in turn that only meant not getting out of bed at such an ungodly hour.

She needed more sleep, to rest after such a hectic week. But no, whoever it was waking her from her pleasant dreams seemed to be persistent about talking to her.

Pulling back the heavy cover, Buffy swung her legs over the side of the bed and tried to force the sleep from her eyes. Focusing on her bedside she noted the fact that her digital clock confirmed her thoughts.

Seven twenty four am, and every part of her body was putting up a fight, making it harder for the blonde not to just give into to its demands and lie back down.

Besides, who the hell was up at this hour? More importantly why were they calling her? Being that there was only one way to find out, Buffy ran a tired hand threw her disheveled blonde locks then forced herself up and onto her feet.

Rubbing at her eyes she stumbled out of her bedroom, into the hall, following it through before it led her towards the ringing device in her living room. Reaching out for the handset, she spotted the little blinking red light on the machine and wondered how on earth she had managed to sleep through all these calls, yet this one had managed to wake her.

Picking up the handset the petite blonde almost barked at the caller, of course that was before noticing the urgency in their voice.

"Giles?" Buffy questioned, feeling her stomach turn, yet not having an explanation for it.

For that split second before he spoke, she wondered, wondered why her step father was calling her so early. He knew better than anyone not to even think about it when she had these two blissful days off to sleep in. In fact he would often stop Dawn from dialing the number so early on the weekend.

"Buffy, ahh... it's your mother." Was all he said, it was bad enough that he had some bad news, but to try to figure out a way of telling her that was clam and not depressing like he felt, was a bit too difficult.

Buffy tensed the moment he said it, mother, that word alone. She knew deep down in the pit of her stomach, that this wasn't anything of the good.

"What's wrong?" she immediately asked, even though that same thing inside her was screaming at her, telling her that she really didn't want to know.

This wasn't right; he couldn't just call her and tell her the unthinkable. Oh God, she couldn't think like that. Everything was fine, just fine.

"She's in hospital." he whispered, trying his best not to show the sorrow in his voice, but as each word escaped his dry lips, they were coated with pure desperation. For the first time ever, he was helpless, and that was something Giles never wanted Buffy to see, or in this case hear from him.

"What happened?" The blonde gripped the phone as tightly as she could in her small hand, using her other one the steady herself against the lounge.

Standing there fighting to breathe as Giles gave her the run down, she felt her knees wanting to give way, but Buffy didn't fall, wouldn't, she held herself up, she had to be strong.

When her step father explained that her mother had collapsed after a work out at the gym, Buffy felt her tears surge forward, screwing her eyes shut and swallowing the lump in her throat, she barely managed to push them back.

Even though there were a million questions begging her for answers, there was one that stood out, one that she needed to know before he spoke another word.

"Is she going to be okay?" she heard the croak in her voice, and resented herself for it, she was strong Buffy, her mother needed her to be.

"I don't know." he whispered, wishing he could give the girl he considered his own a better answer, wishing that he didn't have to sit in that house, their house, without Joyce, his love.

Over the last fifteen years they had turned it into a home, and now here he was, sitting by his desk, quietly cleaning his glasses as he made a call to every family member, letting them know of his wife's situation.

After a moments silence, Buffy knew what she had to do, so quickly saying goodbye she hung up the phone.

First thing, she needed to get dressed, actually even making any kind of movement at all would be useful right now. Yet before she did just that, her shaky hand reached over and tapped the button on her machine, and she listened to the messages she had missed.

It was Giles, all five of them, within the space of the past half an hour. His voice sounded panicked unlike how it had but a second ago, when she had spoken to him.

Buffy knew what that meant, he was gentle with her, not wanting to scare the blonde, wanting her to think that there may still be some hope left, when really he strongly doubted it himself.

Quickly dressing herself in a pair of faded jeans and white tank top she didn't even bother to throw on a jacket as she grabbed her keys and rushed out the front door, wanting nothing but to see her mom.

Starting her car she knew it wasn't a good idea to be driving, being in the state that she was, completely and utterly shocked would be a way to describe it. But there was nothing else she could do, a cab would take forever, and Buffy wasn't prepared to wait.

A minute longer, was a minute away from her mother.

Rushing into emergency her eyes scanned each room near by hoping to catch a glimpse of her, hoping to see that her mom was fine and her step father had gotten his wires crossed. Not finding her she gave up and walked up to the nurse's station.

All three nurses sat there, flipping through patients files while chatting on the phone, and each time Buffy tried to get a word in, she was stopped with an 'I'll only be one minute' signal.

After having each nurses index finger shoved in her face, telling her to wait about twenty times, she finally let it out.

"I'm looking for my mom, Joyce Giles, can you help me or should I just find her myself?" the blonde snapped, she'd raced over to the hospital breaking every speed limit, almost losing control of the car twice, and now not a single nurse was willing to give her the details she desperately needed.

One of the nurses apologized to the person she had on the line, and had a look on the system for the distraught girls mother. "She's still in the ER." Pointing to the end of the hall she gave Buffy the directions. "Straight through that door, and then the first room on your right." Buffy took off the minute the nurse was finished.

Pushing the door open she rushed down the bright white halls frantically searching for the one person she wished wasn't even here right now. But Joyce was, and all Buffy wanted was to find her, so she could convince herself that she was all right.

When the blonde entered the room what met her eyes were three sick patients, and not one resembling her mom.

Towards the end of the room the curtain was drawn and she could see the doctor's feet shuffling around from the gap between said curtain and the floor. Not even hesitating she crept forward and tried to listen, thinking maybe the doctor would say her mothers name and Buffy would be free to enter, but no such luck.

So instead the she resorted to taking a few steps back and having another good look under the curtain, and this time she found her confirmation, her mother's gym bag on the hospital floor at the end of her bed.

Pulling the curtain aside Buffy paused the moment she saw her.

Joyce gave her a sweet smile and with a shaky hand gestured for her to come closer. "Hey sweetie." her mother whispered with what little energy she had.

Buffy slowly approached her, chocking back a sob as she took in the sight before her. Her mother lying in a hospital bed, an oxygen mask to help her breathe, numerous other tubes hooked up to her, monitors for her heart, blood pressure, and whatever else they needed to be keeping an eye on.

Her hand crept across the crisp white sheets and under Joyce's. The warmth of her mom's touch making Buffy smile. She had so many questions. How? Why? When? But they would come later; right now Buffy was just happy to see her.

Sitting in the chair provided by her bed, she didn't even let go of her mom's hand, instead she placed a kiss against it as she waited for the doctor to complete his examination.

And the whole time Buffy wondered.

What if the unthinkable were to happen? What would she do without her? 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The doctor finally made his exit and left Buffy all alone with her mother, and all that she could do was sit and watch over a silent Joyce as she slept.

The woman lying on the sturdy hospital bed before her was so precious, everything good in the world; and Buffy just knew that she couldn't be taken away, not now, not ever. Just thinking of the rest of her own life being without her mother in it, made her sick, in fact the hospital itself had that same affect on her.

Without even realizing it she squeezed her mother's hand, as though she were holding onto it for dear life, or rather holding onto her for dear life.

Joyce's eyes slowly fluttered open, and searched the room, as though she had forgotten for a second that something had happened to her. Pulling her gaze away from the harsh hospital lights above, she brought her focus down to the young woman beside her. The same one that was holding onto her hand like she used to when she was that little five year old child and they would walk to school together, and all that Joyce could do was smile.

"Mommy." Buffy returned her mothers smile with one of her own, moving in a little closer, she just wanted to throw her arms around Joyce. "Are you alright?" she asked, and as soon as it slipped out of her mouth she knew how stupid the question was. Of course she wasn't alright, if she was than why were they in the ER, and why were so many doctors closely monitoring her mother's vitals?

"I don't know sweetheart." Joyce wished she could give her daughter a better answer than that, but she couldn't, she had no idea of what was going on. The last thing that Joyce remembered was talking to one of her friends at the gym, then walking out to her car, and suddenly finding herself fighting for air. The world seemed to have been spinning at a hundred miles per hour and then it happened, she fell, clutching her chest, wishing she could just breathe.

The ambulance came soon after; her friend had spotted her on the pavement by her car and dialed 911.

All she could think about as she lay there on the ground was her children, she'd never get to see them grow, get married, have children of their own. Especially Buffy, the girl that professed to never let a man into her heart because there were other things in the world more important than having a ring on her finger. Joyce wanted to see the day that a man worthy of her broke through that ice, and swept her off her feet.

There were so many things she still had yet to live for, and the fact that they still didn't know what was wrong, was slightly unnerving. She could also see what it was doing to her Buffy.

Once again Joyce found herself thinking about that same girl, her little Buffy, the strong yet so stubborn one. Out of her three children Buffy was the one that held things together, Buffy was the one to look out for her little sister, and at the same time her older brother. Joyce knew that if she had to have anyone there with her as she lay in a hospital bed while Doctors poked and prodded at her, than she wanted it to be Buffy.

The blonde tried to listen to the doctors murmurs, but couldn't distinguish what was actually being said, something about a heart attack, she wasn't sure, all that Buffy was sure of was that the mention of her mothers heart frightened her.

She continued to stroke her mothers hand as she sat patiently waiting for the doctor to come over and give her the bad news, or maybe even say that it had all been a mistake and her mom would be released straight away. But as more and more doctors mingled by Joyce's bed, the chances of that happening were slim to none.

Buffy sat there so focused on being strong, on being brave, and because of that the doctor's words seem to glide right past her, until they brought up that word again, the one that set her nerves on edge.

Heart.

Buffy heard things like fluid in her mother's lungs, something about it causing Joyce to be short of breath, and that they needed to do some tests to see if it was a result of her heart.

It scared Buffy, that word, her mother's heart, the same one that had loved her since she came into the world, the one that had taught her to be kind, generous and loving in return.

What if things were bad, really bad, and Joyce wasn't about to make it? What if this moment was one of Buffy's last with the woman she admired more than she did anyone in the world? What if that was too much for the blonde to bear?

"Honey, it's okay, really." Joyce reassured her daughter as she gave Buffy's hand one last squeeze, while the orderlies began to wheel her away.

"Huh?" Buffy questioned genuinely confused, she'd missed something, the Doctor's, what was it that they had said? Something about some tests and that it would take a few hours. Then she would be free to see her mother again.

Buffy just stared blankly ahead as she watched them wheel her mother away. No tears fell, no sad eyes, just a smile on her face as her mother would need it. 'Strong Buffy remember.' She thought to herself.

The moment her mother was out of sight Buffy contemplated what to do next. She could hang around at the hospital and wait those few hours to see her again, or she could do what she had been dreading the moment she'd heard the news.

Dawn didn't know, and it was time for the blonde to pick her up from her friend's house. Saturday was their mall day, then her younger sister would usually stay the night. She knew she had to do it, Dawn would resent hearing it from anyone else, Buffy wasn't only her sister but her best friend as well.

Maybe it would be a little better than pacing the hospital halls waiting for her mom to return. Or maybe seeing the heartbreaking look on Dawn's face when Buffy told her that her mother was in hospital and it may just be serious, was worse. It didn't matter, the blonde just knew she had to tell her little sister herself.

With that in mind Buffy started her journey out of the hospital.

Rushing through the ER she pushed through the last set of double doors only to come to halt when she bumped into what she thought was just a patient on their way in. "Sorry." She whispered absently as she continued her sprint out of the hospital and towards her car.

"It's fine." The tall stranger replied, turning to acknowledge her apology. He paused when he spotted her.

She was beautiful, what he could see of her for that two second glimpse as she continued on her path out of the hospital and into the sunshine.

For one moment, he was mesmerized, unable to take his eyes off her, and off that long blonde hair that hung just below her shoulders. Her green eyes, the ones that seemed so sad and unable to met his as she apologized, we so clear, so pure, and her petite frame was so delicate, so perfect.

He couldn't tear his eyes away, there was something so hypnotizing about the young woman that had Angel's attention occupied for the ten seconds it took her to disappear out of sight. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

On the Drive over to pick up Dawn, Buffy continued to fight the urge to cry. If she broke down now she wouldn't be able to stop, and that wasn't a good thing. She needed to be calm, to concentrate on the road ahead, and to plan a way of breaking it to her sister.

She pulled her car to the side of the road out the front of Ana, Dawn's best friend's home, and just sat there for a moment, making no move to exit. Originally she had the intention of walking up the front path and knocking on the door to collect her sister, but the thought of moving didn't seem to be making it to the forefront of her mind.

All the blonde could do was look at Ana's house, with a blank expression on her face that truly did its job of masking her inner feelings. All the thoughts running through her mind were doing so at a frenzied pace, pounding against her skull as they did. Her heart, seemed to be following that same erratic rhythm as she tried to keep up her act, and pretend that everything was okay.

Trying to concentrate on nothing but the house before her, Buffy stared on, unshed tears shining in her eyes, only to once again be pushed away.

Ana's home, it was so similar to that of her parents, the one that Buffy herself had moved out of three years ago. Its lawn was well kept, and had a similar oak tree to the one in her parents own yard. It also had the same few steps leading to the front verandah which stretched the width of the house.

When the blonde had still lived at home she used to find herself on their verandah almost every warm summer night, when she hadn't joined her friends at the Bronze. She'd pick up one of the latest fashion magazines or even a good book and prop herself down on the hard wood seat, reading as the warm summer breeze tickled her tanned skin, sweeping her blonde locks behind her shoulders.

Her mother would always bring her out some ice tea, telling her not to stay out too late as there were strange people out at night and they would easily take advantage of a young beautiful woman alone and immersed in a book. Buffy would only laugh and reply with "Well lucky I'm not beautiful."

Her mothers reply would always be the same "Well then explain to me why Rupert is having to chase away all these young men that keep asking after you." In the end Joyce would only leave Buffy blushing as she continued to read a few minutes longer, all the while shaking off her mother's words. A man would never win her over... or so Buffy would say.

She didn't know what would happen if the unthinkable were to occur? Would that mean no more warm summer nights, ice teas on the verandah, being told she was beautiful by the only person that saw past the superficial meaning of the word? Although she never lived with her parents, Buffy always found herself dropping by, if not everyday than at least three times a week. Joyce would ask her every time of anything new in her life and the young blonde would dish out all the goss.

They were close, Buffy and her mother. People always thought it was strange, but it never seemed that way to Buffy... to the blonde it was natural.

Joyce was someone that Buffy would confide in completely, how could she go on without that?

So lost in her own world and musings of how amazing a woman her mother was, Buffy didn't notice the loud tapping on the closed window opposite her. Nothing but thoughts of the past managed to grab her attention. So in the end Dawn resorted to walking around to the other side of the car and reaching her hand in through the opened window, placing it on her sister's shoulder.

Not remembering where she was for a short moment as she was so focused on the exterior of the house that somehow Dawn walking out and saying goodbye to her friend in a quick hug managed to slip the blondes attention. So when the small hand planted itself firmly on her shoulder Buffy jumped, and instantly looked up to see who it was.

"Dawn." she whispered not even letting a relieved smile cross her face. Right now it was too hard to smile, all she could think about was the tests her mother was currently undergoing.

Why did she think it a good idea to break the news to Dawn herself? Why didn't she call Giles and ask him to pick her up and let her know. That was her step father's task for the day, ringing their extended family and friends and letting them know that their mother was in hospital. Giles would also tell Lindsay her older brother, and Buffy's heart broke at the thought. Lindsay wouldn't be able to take it, not when it was their mother, the one that fought to give him everything he ever wanted, that loved him regardless to the amount of times he'd found himself in trouble and needing her to rescue him. Lindsay always tried to play the strong one but he wasn't, deep down he was still a boy who needed his mom as much if not more than anyone else.

"Yeah, can you unlock my door?" Dawn asked once again interrupting her sister's musings as she let go of her Buffy's shoulder and headed back over to the passenger side of the vehicle.

"Uh... yeah." Leaning over Buffy did just that, then reached for her keys, turning them in the ignition and tapping the gas; she restarted the car as Dawn climbed in.

'Dawnie mom's sick, she might di-' how was she going to be able to tell her little sister when she was having trouble just thinking it?

It had to come out, Buffy knew that, but why did it have to be so hard, or rather why did being a grown up have to be so hard? What she wouldn't give to go back about fifteen years, when the most important things in her world were Barbie's, candy, riding her bike without training wheels, and to be tucked in at night as her mother read to her.

The tears stung as her eyes as she felt it slipping, that last little shred of innocence that those memories, that her mother being around helped keep alive. So if she died, did that mean that those memories would to? What would Buffy become? Empty... it was as simple as that.

Dawn watched her sister closely as they drove off, all the while she kept thinking that they were heading out to the mall, or back to Buffy's apartment, but the blonde seemed to be steering them in an entirely different direction.

"Buffy?" Dawn questioned, watching as her sister fought the urge to cry. But Dawn wasn't stupid, she knew what it looked like, she'd only seen it once before when Lindsay had been in a fatal car accident three years ago, but it was something that she would always remember. Buffy never cried, so whatever it was, had to be bad news.

"Mmmm." She grunted, chewing her bottom lip and blinking the building moisture away, no crying, was all she would tell herself.

"What's up? And don't lie to me." Dawn could feel the tears building in her own eyes; she just couldn't help it, whenever Buffy was sad, she was sad.

Buffy glanced over at her sister as they came to a stop at a red light. As she gripped the steering wheel with the palm of her tiny hand, the blonde considered pulling over to the side of the road to tell Dawn.

"Mom's sick, she's in hospital." Did she say it, or was it just her imagination? Taking her eyes off the road she looked over at her sister and noted that the brunette was as pale as a ghost.

"H-how sick?" Dawn stammered wishing she had never asked Buffy not to lie to her, anything but this, anything but to have someone tell her that her mother was in hospital.

"I'm not sure, but it looks serious." It was a soft whisper, one that contained no emotion what so ever, yet at the same time deep down, it screamed pure heart ache.

"No." Dawn shook her head, bursting out in tears at the thought of her mother with the words serious and hospital being associated with her. "No, you're lying." She cried.

"I'm sorry." Buffy whispered, reaching out and pulling her younger sister towards her. With her slender arms wrapped around her sisters trembling frame Buffy held Dawn as she cried, held her as the light changed from red to green and the rest of the traffic used their horns to voice their frustrations. She held her with no intention of letting go as their happy little world started to fade away. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Three hours had passed since Buffy had returned to the hospital with Dawn, and for those last three hours all that the two girls had done was sit out in the waiting room as their mother continued to undergo further tests.

Dawn just like Buffy would glance at her wrist watch every minute thinking that so much more time had elapsed than what it actually read. The younger of the two sisters got up then, unable to just sit there and wait, wait for her mother to come back so they could talk to her doctor.

She couldn't help but pace backwards and forwards as Buffy watched from her position seated on one of the hospital chairs in the waiting area with sad eyes, and suddenly Dawn decided she needed to get away, just for a minute.

"I'm going for a walk." She whispered absently as she turned and headed down the hospital halls.

Buffy wanted to stop her, to tell her that everything would be fine, that they just had to believe, but the blonde didn't want to lie.

Dawn thought she just needed to get away from everyone else, but she was wrong, she needed someone there with her, someone to hold her, to tell her that their mother was an amazing woman without making it sound like she was dying. She needed someone to tell her that no matter what Joyce loved her, and that she'd be there for her whenever she needed it.

There was so much that Dawn wanted to do, and the thought of her mother not being there to see it all happen, didn't feel right, what would be the point of doing it?

So she sat there on the cold hard stairs that were only meant to be used in case of an emergency. Well this was an emergency, her mother was sick. There was no where else to go, no one she could turn to, this was the only place Dawn had found that was deserted. And right now as much as she thought she needed someone to hold her, it wasn't so; she needed a moment to gather her bearings.

In total there were twenty seven steps leading down to the next level, the door was a bottle green that appeared as though it had just been repainted; it had a chrome handle and a plaque with the number two written on it, indicating the level. The walls were a pale yellow and the ceiling stretched further than her teary eyes could see. Did any of it mean anything? No. But it was something to keep her mind off her mother being sick, something to stop her from wondering how bad things were. It was something to kill a few minutes.

At this time of night it was always quiet, all patients were in their allocated wards sleeping, and therefore the hospital halls were usually dead silent. So when his dark eyes caught some movement, spotting a young girl approach, she had his attention.

Angel watched as she met up with an older man, who embraced her in a hug, then directed her towards the elevator to go down a level. He noted the tears tracking down her face as she walked listening to the man who he presumed to be her father, tell her that her mother was strong. Angel couldn't help but feel sorry for the brunette, she looked barely sixteen and to have her mother in here was just horrible.

He past them as the elevator doors closed and continued his walk, he had no more patients to see right that moment, but he was on call until nine pm, so he'd wait until someone would need him. But right now there was but one thing on his mind... caffeine.

Angel walked towards the coffee machine that stood at the end of the hall, and as he did he saw something. A wisp of blonde hair glimmered under the soft low lights, belonging to a beautiful girl who was seated on one of the waiting seats just outside the cardiac care ward.

He continued walking, but his eyes were transfixed on her, it was that same girl, the one that had bumped into him earlier on in the day as he'd entered emergency.

Grabbing the coffee, he turned around and headed towards her, she looked so sad, so lost, like her whole world was falling apart and there was no one she could tell, no one she could just open up her heart to and let them know just how much being her sucked right now.

He paused merely a meter away from her, stretching out his hand he offered her one of the cups of coffee and smiled. "Trust me, this will make you feel a whole lot worse." he joked referring to how bad the hospitals beverages were.

"I really don't think that's possible." She whispered, pushing back the tears that were begging for release, that had been begging for release since the moment she'd found out about her mothers health early that morning.

Angel only nodded, whishing that he wasn't stupid enough to have said what he just had. He eased himself down beside her, placing the coffee on the small wooden table that sat between them.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" He asked as he leant forward digging his elbows into his legs and slowly sipping the hot coffee.

Bringing her head up to look at him, her tired green eyes met his. "I can't." she replied, it wasn't that she didn't know where to start; it was more the fact that she couldn't speak it in fear of it being real.

Angel nodded, not knowing why he'd pressed her for information that may have been hard for anyone to share with a stranger. "My names Angel." He said extending his hand, waiting for her to take it.

She stared at his large welcoming hand for a long second, not knowing what to do, even the thought of shaking it seemed to be too hard to process, and that right there was another thing that didn't make sense to the blonde. "Buffy." She finally whispered accepting his offered hand.

"Nice to meet you Buffy," He smiled, before rising to his feet "and if you ever just want someone to listen, ask for me, they all know me around here." He smiled, before lifting himself back up off the chair and moving towards the elevator.

"My sister was just in there with her." Buffy started, wanting to take him up his offer right that second. This was real; there was no way of escaping it, so why not take advantage of his kindness. Besides maybe someone that didn't know her or the situation, would be able to shed some desperately needed light on it.

Angel paused, and turned back to look at her as she continued. "I let her see mom first, but now I wish I hadn't."

"Why?" He asked resuming the position in the seat beside her that he'd left but mere seconds ago.

"Because when Dawn walked out, she wouldn't even look at me, and she just couldn't stop crying." Buffy said, her sister's reaction having affected her more than she liked.

"She's younger right?" Angel asked, placing his cup on the table next to Buffy's which the blonde still had yet to touch. He suspected that the young girl he had spotted getting into the elevator with her father, was the one that Buffy called her sister.

"Yeah." Buffy answered wondering where he was going with this.

"So she doesn't have to be the grown up, if something she sees really hurts her, she'll cry, even if she doesn't know the entire story. It gets different when you're older." He simply stated hoping that it would give her a better understanding of her sister's reaction.

"Why?" Buffy asked

"Why is it different when you're older?" He asked, making sure he knew what the small blonde was asking about.

Her only reply was a silent nod.

"Because you have to be there for everyone, you have to be their strength, even when you're crumbling yourself."

Buffy took in his words, knowing yet unable to believe that he could be so close to the truth and pin point her feelings with such accuracy without ever having met her before today.

"How do you know me so well?" She asked looking up into his deep brown eyes.

"It's my job I guess." He replied with a shrug of his shoulders, even though he himself felt that it was so much more than that. That there was something so special about the girl beside him that made him think that there may be another reason he knew her so well. The only thing was, he couldn't back it up with anything.

She didn't say a word after that, wasn't sure what to say, if this was his job then he knew how to do it really well.

They sat in silence for a few moments before the next thing on her mind slipped past her lips. "They say that it's my turn, and that I can go in there… but I just don't think I can." She whispered.

"Because of your sister?"

"Yes and no." She responded, the fact that Dawn was in tears was one thing keeping her from walking into that room and seeing her mother. It must be bad if it made Dawn cry, as her younger sister would always make the best of a bad situation; maybe there was nothing in that room to bring the best out of.

"What else is it?" He asked, wanting to be able to help her.

Bringing her eyes back up to his, she simply stated "I'm scared." 


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks to all reviewers! hugs

-

Chapter 5

Standing just outside the ward she stared at the door for at least what she thought to be ten good minutes, afraid of what she'd find beyond it. Closing her eyes, and releasing a deep breath she braced herself, before reaching out and pressing the white button.

A whole minute dragged by, and Buffy swore it had to have been one of the longest of her life, and then finally a nurse appeared at the door, quietly opening it, allowing the blonde entry.

"Hi," Buffy whispered, and automatically her hands left her side and started fidgeting with the hem of her top. The feeling, the one slamming through her body, was sickening, and all she wanted to do was run and hide, to be anywhere but there. But Buffy wouldn't, because even though all of this terrified her more than she had ever been terrified before, she had to see her mother.

"I'm Buffy Summers; I'm here to see my mom, Mrs. Giles. I was told she was in here." If there was ever a moment that captured an innocence she'd lost years ago, it was right then, for no reason at all other than that fear that slowly crept inside.

"Come on in." The nurse returned, stepping aside and letting her into the dark ward. It was just past visiting hours, and under normal circumstances, there was no way that someone would be allowed in. But none of this was normal, not to the young blonde that stood at the door anyway, and that was something that didn't manage to escape the nurse's attention.

Buffy mustered a small smile before stepping in and past her. Waiting for the nurse to once again close the door, she peered around, trying to locate her mom without directions. All the doors to all the patients rooms were shut, and the small windows had their blinds drawn.

"She's in bed eight, which is right this way." the nurse instructed, pointing Buffy to the closest room.

Buffy hesitated for a brief moment, trying to delay the inevitable, what if she didn't like what she saw when she opened the door? What if this was where she would spend her last moments with her mother. In a hospital ward, watching as the strongest woman she had ever known slowly gave up the fight.

Or what if this was where her mother told her everything was alright and that she would be released tomorrow, Buffy thought that possibly that was the most likely of the two. So with a smile on her face, she pushed that fear aside and opened the door slipping into her mother's room.

Joyce lay there wide awake staring at the ceiling, trying to absorb everything the doctors had told her. When the door opened, and she spotted her eldest daughter she couldn't help but smile.

Buffy quickly cleared the distance between them and threw her arms around her mother, she had no idea what had come over her, but for one moment all the blonde wanted was to hold her, to be in that comfort zone, the one that only a mother could provide.

She wanted to cry more than anything, but she wouldn't, forcing her tears away she kept her arms wrapped around her mom, stroking her golden locks, inhaling her sweet scent, as though trying to memorize every little detail, afraid that it would be the last time she would ever experience any of it.

"I love you mommy." Buffy whispered, her tears begging for release.

"I love you too." Joyce responded, before pulling away to look at her daughter. Tucking a few stray hairs behind her daughter's ear, she smiled again. Admiring the girl before her. Buffy, her big strong girl, she would always be so proud of her. "The doctors want to talk to you." She said, as she noticed one approaching the opened door, only to stop and chat to the nurse passing by, most likely about her condition Joyce figured.

"What about?" Buffy chocked, still not giving way to her tears.

"Everything's okay, just listen." she said, gesturing for Buffy to take the seat beside her bed.

She sat down very slowly, as though she were trying to prolong the inevitable. Reaching out she latched onto her mother's warm hand and smiled. "I'm listening." and that she was, although inside her mind kept repeating the same thing over and over, that being 'don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.'

Stroking the back of her daughters hand with her fingers Joyce sighed before beginning. "In case anything happens, there's a few things I want you to take care of." she began, and when Buffy jumped to her feet, begging her not to go on Joyce gave her daughter a stern look. "Sweetheart, please. I need to say this." Joyce insisted, squeezing her daughter's hand.

"Okay." Buffy relented, letting her mom say what she needed to, before the blonde got a chance to talk to the doctor.

-

As she walked out of the ward, leaving her mom to rest, Buffy kept shaking, and just for one second she needed to sit, if not at least to regain herself. Funny how instead she found herself wondering through the dimly lit halls near the ward. She walked aimlessly all the while thinking of how fragile her mother appeared.

Without any sense of direction she hit the button and waited for the elevator doors to open, the blonde should have sat down, as now she had no idea where she was going, lost in a place that had that many levels and turns, similar to a maze.

Neither of it mattered to her though, not when all she seemed to be able to think about was that her mom had just asked the unthinkable. Leaving her instructions of what she'd prefer for her funeral, and telling her that there was more than enough money in her bank account that could go towards the arrangements, and then she went on to talk about the Gallery. Joyce offered the business to her daughter, telling her it would be a wonderful place for her to set up a display for her own work.

The blonde said nothing, neither agreeing nor disagreeing for that matter, not that the Gallery wasn't a fantastic idea, it was just that she didn't want it like this. After they talked about Dawn and Lindsay and about how Buffy had to take care of them for her, she then finally spoke to the doctor.

The doctor told her that her mother had severe inflammation of the heart, caused by over exertion. He then went on to tell her that if everything went to plan, and the swelling went down within the next day or so, then there wouldn't be anything further to worry about and she could go home.

The only thing was Buffy never bought it. More than anything she would have loved to believe that her mother was going to be just fine, but for some reason it didn't seem likely. As her mother, Buffy sought out the bad, before the good.

With everything that was running through her mind, she wasn't even paying attention when she stepped out of the elevator and headed straight towards the first door in sight. She could smell the coffee being brewed even before pushing the double doors open, that was when she realized she was heading for the cafeteria, at least it was slightly better than what the machines offered. Or what the man she had spoken to but a couple of hours ago had offered her.

Angel, that was his name, he seemed genuine and sweet, if only her brain could think of anything other than losing her mother for a minute, then at least she may have taken the time to let some of his words sink in. Maybe he was right, maybe she did just need someone to talk to.

Then again she was never good at the whole 'hey here's what I'm thinking' thing. Returning her thoughts to coffee, she decided that if for one second she thought of anything other than her ill mother it would be a good idea. The only thing was that each time she tried, the blonde felt incredibly guilty.

Walking through the door, Buffy was startled out of her thoughts when she ran into someone, and almost fell, had it not of been for his outstretched hand she would have, just like his folder had.

She looked up to see it was Angel, the man that but a second ago was in her thoughts. Smiling just barely she whispered a quick "Sorry." then bent down to help him gather the papers that had scattered out of the manila folder when it fell.

"No problem." He returned, glad that he had gotten the chance to bump into her again; the girl that he thought carried the saddest look in her eyes that he'd ever seen. Gathering the rest of the files on his next patient, and stuffing them back in their place within the folder, he asked the question at the forefront of his mind. "How is she, your mother I mean?" He prodded, hoping he wasn't intruding by showing his genuine concern.

Rising to her feet once again, and watching as Angel did the same, she wasn't sure of the answer herself. "The doctor's say that there's a good chance she'll be just fine, but I don't believe it." she admitted, and that seemed a little odd to the blonde. She was always one to put on the brave front, and never tell of her real feelings. Yet with Angel that didn't seem to be the case. She figured that maybe he would see right through it, or maybe it was something entirely different. After all when they had spoken earlier, Buffy had realized that he knew her so well, yet it had been the first time her eyes had ever fallen upon him.

Angel's heart went out to the poor girl; she seemed so lost, so distraught over something she couldn't control. "I know this might not mean much, but the doctor's are really good here, and they will do all they can to make sure she gets the best treatment possible." If only he could give her more than just his word.

"Trying to boost your own ego?" Buffy asked, smiling slightly, thinking that he was a doctor and praising himself.

When Angel witnessed that small smile grace her lips he wanted to freeze that moment in time forever. She was so beautiful, and he knew right there that Buffy was the kind of girl he could see himself being serious about. That's not to say that she felt the same, in fact she hardly knew him. Regardless Angel just couldn't help thinking about it.

Realizing he still had yet to answer her question he shook the thoughts away "Ah no." He smiled "I'm not actually a doctor."

"Oh I just thought that with the folder and..." Buffy wasn't even sure of why the thought had crossed her mind, it's not like you had to be a doctor to carry what she presumed to be a patients file around, he could be a... courier, maybe. "Sorry." She added making a fool of herself, and if her mind hadn't of been on her mother she would have blushed, but it was, so she didn't seem aware that she had embarrassed herself.

"No it's fine." He smiled, hoping she'd do the same in return. But she gave him nothing, and Angel could see that the blonde was slowly drifting. "I'm a counselor; I work with most of the patients and their families within the hospital." Angel offered.

For a brief second Buffy froze, she had nothing to say, until it all came tumbling down upon her "So is that what this is?" She bit out "You've been sent to check on me and my mother?" She hadn't intended for it to come out the harsh way it had, but right now the last thing she needed was someone to tell her what she was going through, and more importantly what her mother was going through.

"Not at all." Angel returned, caught off guard by her sudden out burst "I mean sure it's my job, but I don't have a file on your mother, in fact all I know about you is what you've chosen to tell me from our conversation earlier." He added, he really hadn't meant to upset her, and now he was hoping that she could see that.

She felt so guilty, knowing she had done the regular Buffy thing and just attacked him without thinking it through. "I'm sorry, I'm just not good with people right now, or ever for that matter... I just need coffee." She whispered turning away from him and walking over to the counter.

Angel stared after her, wanting to tell her that she need not be sorry, and that he would love to listen, or just sit with her so she wasn't alone, but he couldn't, he was already five minutes late, and he was reminded of that once again as his pager started going off. He ignored it though, something just telling him that he couldn't leave things like that.

Stalking up behind her he dug out his wallet handing over the money and paying for her coffee. "I think I at least owe you a decent cup of coffee after the last one."

Buffy smiled, gratefully accepting his offer, whispering a soft goodbye, as she watched him then turn away and rush off to tend to the emotional needs of his next patient. Why hadn't she just told him that she was the one that needed him to help keep her own emotions in check?

-

When Angel made it out the double doors, he ran straight for the elevator, squeezing through the metal doors as they closed, he was grateful to find it empty. Leaning against the wall he left out a soft sigh. Every part of his body had begged him to stay, to help her through this instead of tending to his other patients. He came so close to just giving in, but if he had how would that seem professional?

There was just something about this girl though, something that made him care more than he could ever remember caring in his life.

**TBC**


End file.
